Hands on hips woman

A Frank Guide to the Hellish Cesspool That Awaits

SPECIALLY FORMULATED FOR STRAIGHT WOMEN OVER 55

“I am not equipped to go on dates. The last time I was single, I was 24 and the dating pool was everyone. And now it’s like a shallow puddle of age appropriate men who are old and gross. And I don’t wanna do that.” Leslie Mann’s character, The Other Woman*

If you can relate, welcome to a safe space where you can feel all those feels without judgment. If you’re even considering dipping a toe into that “shallow puddle”, I’ve created this blog to serve as your virtual wingman. I’ll share my own experiences– as well as stories I’ve collected from friends– in hopes of helping my fellow late-in-life bachelorettes navigate these murky waters.

When I started my online dating odyssey in 2019, the only guidance I could find online was thinly disguised clickbait plugs for the various apps, along with sponsored editorial content about losing weight and shaping up. You know, helpful hints we ladies hadn’t ever thought of. Thanks, Corporate Daddy! What I couldn’t find was no-nonsense, real-life BTDT advice from real women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and up. I’ve started this blog to try to give a space for those voices– and maybe even share some WTFs along the way. Please feel free to submit your experiences for publishing. Also all comments and shares are much appreciated.

xoxo, Auntie P (*Leslie Mann’s character in that movie was 42 years old, which makes her an entire Selena Gomez younger than I am. Let that sink in.)

No, of course not! Believe me, I know you want to meet a nice man organically, like at Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s. But look up from your iPhone the next time you’re shopping and you’ll see NO one else looking up from theirs. It’s been at least 10 years since a woman over 55 dated a man she met in the wild. Just doesn’t happen anymore, sister, so high time to let go of that fantasy.

This is not a terrible time to sit quietly with the big questions of life before jumping right into the deep end of online dating. In the timeless words of Admiral James Stockdale, “Who am I, why am I here, and am I gay?” Okay, fine– maybe he didn’t ask that final question– but if you’re a woman of a certain age looking for the right man online you probably should. Honestly, right now would be an excellent time to Meredith Baxter-Berney* the hell out of the situation. If you don’t believe me, just keep reading…

* If you’re too young to get that reference just substitute Cynthia Nixon, Melissa Etheridge or Sara Gilbert and you’ll get the idea.

You’re in the right place! Just check out my quick and easy guide to choosing an online dating app. With careful guidance, you can easily sign up for an app that destroys the very foundation of your self-esteem and belief in humanity slightly less than all the others.

Honestly, it doesn’t really matter. Put up some cute-ish photos, making sure to include smiling face and full body shots. Not 1 in 100 men will read your words, so don’t waste a lot of time coming up with the perfect bon mot. Even the nicest men you meet will clearly not have read a word you wrote– unless there’s a perceived sexual connotation. In my profile I wrote that “tweeting All White Lives Matter is sorta’ dickish”. I later found out that bachelors found my use of that term “sexually suggestive”.

I shit you not.

Women haven’t been safe in the world– like ever– and online dating hasn’t changed that. Do your usual anti-rapey stuff, like meeting in public places and carrying a ladylike concealed firearm. Truth be told, most 55+ dudes just aren’t the swift young predators they once were. Yay aging!

Don’t worry, your online Buffet o’ Bachelors will spell that out for you. Very clearly. Oh yes, and in great detail. Most 55+ year old men won’t even see your profile because they’re searching for women 5-40 years younger than themselves. You’ll still get LOTS of messages from frustrated bachelors who have inexplicably not heard back from women their daughter’s age. These gents are looking to “make a real connection”, i.e. attempt to make a hot sexytime explosion at your earliest convenience.

Yes, there actually are. You just have to be as diligent and discerning as you are when you go thrifting. You know how many freaky-ass, snagged, shapeless, ’80s poly dresses you have to go through at Savers until you find that one hidden Tahari silk-linen sheath? It’s like that.

That’s the toughest question of all. If I were a different person I’d tell you to follow your heart and let things unfold naturally. Truth be told, that’s what’s happened to me and (sort of) what I’m doing. But I’m also obsessively building out this blistering bitterfest of a blog, so go figure!

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