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Choose A Dating App

CHECK OUT MY QUICK ‘N DIRTY GUIDE TO MAKING THE MAYBE SOMEWHAT LESS-WRONG CHOICE IN DATING APPS

MATCH
PRO: Largest number of results when searching for 55+ year old men…..
CON: …. who are almost exclusively searching for 25-35 year old women.

SILVER SINGLES
PRO: Full of dudes your dad’s age who have finally given up on Match and resigned themselves to the unspeakable horror of dating someone your age.
CON: Crap! Is that your dad?

TINDER
PRO: You finally understand the term “swipe right”.
CON: Top picks have a countdown timer on them. As if managing the expirations dates on your calcium-enhanced dairy products weren’t stressful enough, now the potential love of your life is set to disappear within hours.

GRINDR
PRO: SO many good-looking men.
CON: You will get zero likes. You will wonder if you’re missing something. (Pro tip: You are.)

CHRISTIAN MINGLE
PRO: Lots of men who self-identify as Christian.
CON: Every rare once in awhile Christianity has been used to treat the ladyfolks badly.

FACEBOOK DATING
PRO: Unbelievable assortment of SO MANY good-looking, accomplished men.
CON: How many George Clooney lookalikes who are either UN Peacekeepers or orthopedic surgeons could conceivably live in Carey, Idaho? Still, this is an unmatched opportunity to correspond with bots if you’ve ever had the urge. (And yes, I did that– and yes, it was extremely strange.)

BUMBLE
PRO: This woman-designed app is a game-changer where only the woman can make the first move.
CON: At least in my zip code I always get the message that “There are no more bees in your area.” It is not a good feeling to be simultaneously reminded of both my probable undateability and catastrophic, climate change-caused hive collapse.

FARMERS ONLY
PRO: Nothing comes to mind.
CON: See app’s name.

WHAT’S NEXT?
  • 1

    Go to the App Store on your iPhone/iPad or to Google Play on your Android device.

  • 2

    Search for your app of choice and install it.

  • 3

    Fill out the app’s profile questionnaire and upload photos. 

  • 4

    Pay for the plan of your choice. 

  • 5

    Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!

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