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Porn Done Broke PeePaw’s Pecker

If you’re a straight woman over 55 I think it’s safe to assume from the get-go that you already have a pretty good understanding of Erectile Dysfunction. This is especially true if you watch cable news, which seems to be kept in the black exclusively by Cialis commercials. What you might not know if you’ve been divorced or widowed after a long marriage is that our old friend “ED” is just hella worse among over-55 men who’ve been living alone a long time. And all I have to say to that is, “Gee, thanks, porn!”

Turns out that decades of studies show that married folks have a lot more and better sex than their single and divorced counterparts. Older men make up for the long dry spells of late-in-life bachelorhood by a routine diet of 21st century porn. And here’s where you really have to feel for them. These dudes hit puberty when the glimpse of a Playmate’s airbrushed areola in a friend’s rec room sent them over the edge for the better part of the 1970s. Now they can earn Capital Rewards while enjoying Premium membership status on PornHub. These days the only limit to their solo sexytime shenanigans is their imagination– and maybe spelling. (Your average old school hornwad has trouble spelling ménage a trois even with both hands at the ready, so you can only imagine.)

Bottom line? Having every single dish on a combo plate of carnality available at a click just plum overloads their out-of-code circuitry. They were literally not wired for this.

After a truly staggering intake of algorithmically-improbable 20-somethings performing anatomically-astonishing feats of sexual derring do, Grandpa’s got hisself an itch. He’s also dead dadgum certain he’s ready for some action with real “Ladie’s” (sic). But when that happens– even after passionately making out and leaving no doubt that he wants you: Surprise! Turns out there’s no there there.* In the good old days a wholesome, all-American blowjob was the surefire solution, but in these more enlightened times porn has exponentially upped the arousal ante. “Let’s get in the shower- Umm, could you maybe do a backbend? Do you have any überlube™? A teenage babysitter? A pygmy goat?”

* Under no circumstances can you appear to notice this. It’s one of those rare problems, like a wildly inappropriate crush, where even acknowledging it makes it worse.