First Intro Message = 1,971 Words

Many of our bachelors seemed to put minimal effort into their profiles and messages. Typical example? “I like sex and beer.” M******’s was different. His first message to me was the truly mind-numbing 1,971 words seen below. I’ve edited only to anonymize the astonishingly detailed, minute-by-minute diary of his entire life. My buddy L******’s comments are inserted because hot damn, she’s funny.

It bears repeating that this direct message is first contact.


You are 62 which equals 8 and I am 69 which equals 15 do you think we are old enough to have a serious conversation and relationship?

I really liked the icebreaker intro that blended numerology and pederasty.

(Please remember I am retired and have lots of unused Air Miles, Distance is no problem. From Mid-October through Mid-May I could winter near you if you like.)

I always question if E harmony is really the person, as I have been fooled over 700 times, by Asian Dudes, or Porn Stars or Scammers or Little Old Ladies wanting to be cougars.

Well I don’t know that being fooled by Asian dudes 700 times is a bragging point in his resume’. To each his own.

P*********, your photo really touches me, and I regret that all of us are having to be concerned about CoVid19, as I would really like to fly over or drive and visit with you. P*********, your photo really speaks to my romantic side, suggesting you may be the gal I have been searching for all my life. Why, I am hoping we can start a serious conversation from friendship to a serious relationship that maybe will becoming lasting. P*********, how would you like to design our conversations and relationship, if you choose me?

I’m just hoping his software has a find and replace feature because I hate to think of him laboriously, manually replacing all the P*******’s with Carolines and Karens and Raelenes.

Since neither of us are Robots each of us are going to need to help one another on the how to of dating without dating while under siege from CoVid19. I mean as Humans we were designed not to be anti-social but sociable creatures with genuine desires, feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc. Why this CoVid19 is perfect for Robots.

Attached is my shorten life history to help you have a better understanding of who I am and help you make an informed decision.

I hope you feel as I do that, we should try to build a lasting relationship.

I was born according to my Mother’s account in the northeast bedroom of her parent’s home at 5**** E**** A****, T****, G****, ** on cold stormy winter day between 3:15AM to 3:30PM ***Day and ****Date Obscured***. I was brought home to K*******, G******, ** five days later to meet my siblings, C****** P******, I****** H******, Y****** E******, and G******M*****. My father was either home or in C****** working as a T****** at *****Workplace Obscured*****. Grandmother E****** learned her nursing career from medical doctors in F******, she was the head Surgical Nurse at doctor’s office and Hospital. Dr. J****** helped deliver me.

Home was the H****** Motel, which my parents had built, along with the apartments north of Hwy ** and behind the park Bandstand, so teachers would have a place to live, while working in K****. My father’s jewelry store is today the vacant lot directly north of the Post Office. When lunch time came, Mother, would send me off to P****** N******, restaurant behind or across the alley to the east. Lunch was a cheeseburger, fries, and malt for 25 cents, best in the county.

I knew everybody and everybody knew me. I had it figured out at an early age that if I were obnoxious and voiced myself loud enough no one would ever forget me. Certainly, the case at my brother’s class reunion 7 years ago, moment I walked in everyone stopped talking and said N******s hear and then welcomed me, with open arms.

Most daring thing I ever did in K****** at age four was to climb the 250 foot high water tower across from the motel, {west by the fire and rescue} most fun I have ever had, I was not scared.

During the summer months my mother would wake me at either 2 or 3 or 5 AM and put me on the Trailways bus to B******, where my father’s oldest sister lived or Aunt C******, she would have her famous homemade pancakes with maple syrup and butter with coffee ready and I really ate like a horse, each time I arrived. When I would awake, I would help her with cleaning her 30 room motel rooms or mowing the 8 acres with a regular gas-powered lawn mower. In the afternoon Aunt C****** would take me to the municipal swimming pool or I would walk the 1/2 mile and spend the day with all the kids from Lusk. Other times, Aunt C****** would take me to visit my grandparent’s in W******, ten miles to the west. Grandpa L****** was the 1st generation Clock Maker, Repairman, Watch Maker, Repairman, Master Jeweler, Master Engraver and grandmother was the former Postmistress of W****** 192*/2*-194*, along with running and operating her own general store, with clothing, medical supplies, everything you would ever need. I did these visits until about age 14. From age 4-10 my aunt always wanted me to attend the Rodeo and Rawhide Celebrations at the Fairgrounds, in M******.

The family and I removed from K******* in 1956, which I have never quite adjusted to as I am country boy, not a city slicker. Reason being, my mother’s father’s ranch 17 miles North of Lingle, was another place My Mother and I spent a lot of time together along with my sister.

For family outings we would drive from K******* to J******, ** to swim in the hot spring swimming pool or slide the slides or act like a monkey, swinging from the monkey bars or ropes and then letting going. Mother says, I was like a natural fish, I loved staying under water for long periods of time and loved being in the water.

In 195*, a family vacation, first to D******* M******, **, where my mother’s youngest brother B******, was getting married to Y******, I was the ring bearer. A few hours before the wedding, I found a red tube of red lipstick and rubbed it all my white tux. Family got it cleaned before the wedding, I thought it was the thing to do, make a bold statement, wrong.

After wedding we proceeded to F******, ** to see **Tourist Attraction Obscured**, then to mother’s old college G****** University, L******, ** and then down to M***** N******, ** to stay with Mother’s family, behind ***Landmark Obscured***. Before arriving in F*****, we stopped at my father’s first college or T****** College 10 miles south of T******. We drove in a 194* Cadillac limousine, that my father had purchased a few years earlier. First time I had ever caught and ate a lobster, fresh from the Atlantic Ocean.

I graduated from a private school or V****** High School, J******, W****** in 197*.


Motel Housekeeper for my Aunt and Uncle and Desk Clerk age 4 – 14 years old.

Mowing Lawns,

Sided new homes

Painted houses just to make money.

Snow Remover by hand up to a complete block, just to help my folks and siblings.

W****** Post Newspaper Carrier and Salesman 110 Sundays and 100 dailies. I earned many prizes and cash prizes. I earned the title of Number One Carrier and Salesman for the ***Geographic Location Obscured**** District. Several trips to P******* Amusement Park and trip to California Easter 196*. Stayed with other carriers at March Air Force Base, visited G****** and ***Name Obscured**** Air Force Base, Knotts Berry Farm-dinner at end of fun, Disneyland the wildlife water aquarium in San Diego, where the Dolphins performed.

Film Tech and Painting Tech, R****** County Public Library. Many times, having to repair damaged films and paintings, loaned to patrons.

Processing and Distribution Lab Tech, VA Hospital.

Assistant Chef three different former five-star restaurants.

Dishwasher, Bus Boy Housekeeper, Janitor, etc. Elevator Operator for former W****** Hotel.

T****** Stationary Store, Clerk and Shelving Person.

Guidance Counselor for Developmentally Disabled Young Adults.

Apprentice Embalmer, Funeral Director, Greeter, Usher, Grief Counselor, Pickup and Delivery, gardener, maintenance. Night Manager, Deputy Medical Examiner. Sometimes having to stand in for the Catholic Priest and giving the one-hour service for last rights of the deceased, chauffeur, and much more. I started at F****** G****** Funeral Home, Y****** City, **—3 months.

WYDOT Planning and WHP Safety Division Traffic Counter Districts 1 and promoted to District 2 the I 80 corridors from ***State*** /***State*** Boarder to the WY/NE boarder, one of the heaviest flows of traffic. Also, I-** from WY/NE boarder to WY/NE boarder and I ** South of ******* to ***State*** boarder. Before electronics made it a piece of cake to count. I had to do by eye in rapid succession, with a 90% accuracy rate.

***State*** State Janitor State Capitol 3rd floor and Governor’s Office, as well as fourth floor of L****** Building.


Dale Carnegie Courses.

National College of Business, ***B**** City, ***State*** computer courses.

N****** County Community College, F******, ***State** Semester Hours A +


Sixteen years private lessons in Behavioral Psychology from retired Dean of Behavioral Psychology, University of T******, C******r, ***State***.

Liberty University, School of P****** M*******, ***City***, ***State***

ALUMNI, A****** State College, F*******, ***State***

I am a Christian who is very confident, trusting, honest, caring, thoughtful, gentle, considerate, respectful gentleman, raised in the old school of manners, with more outstanding character that causes the ladies to fall instantly with me, especially my smile melts their resistance and melts their hearts from doubt to wanting to be my friend.

I enjoy baking, cooking and genealogy.

Alan Jackson’s Gospel Music and Hymns Album is one of my favorite recordings. Reminds of the days I grew up on maternal grandfather’s ranch.

He had me a Liberty University and Alan Greenwood gospel music. You two would fit together like jeezus and satan.

I hope we can spend quality time getting to one another building a friendship into more than a friendship.



PS. , I believe my sixteen years of behavioral psychology training, various counseling roles and my five years as a Grief Counselor, I am in the best position in understanding and helping you when memories flood you and feel sad, I would know how to help you overcome, the way a brother’s keeper should do.

But he can help with your grief. He has it all!

If you will trust me with your full name, address, telephone and email and lots of photos, I will check my genealogy to see if we might be distant cousins. Since 1 Jan 197* I have legally proven 250,000 family members, some as early 200 AD. I have done Ancestry DNA, Family Tree Y 67, Y111,, Big Y and mtDNA.

Something about your photo suggest you may be a distant cousin.

Hope we will have a very meaningful serious conversation and relationship, after the CoVid19 is not a threat, as I really desire to be more then a friend. Remember my greatest treasures in life are the friends I make along life’s pathway.”

Yeah he needs to flesh it out a bit for the really full story.